RECLAIMING LIFE
I have been in a battle with bulimia since I was 14.
A battle for my control, happiness, self-esteem, worth.
This is an ongoing project that explores the complexities of my eating disorder & is a way for me to process, manage & set myself free.
ENCAGED
I am a happy person, I am joyful, I have a wonderful life surrounded by beautiful people. My issues with my mental health do not undermine these facts. My bulimia & depression do a very good job of shifting the focus away from these beautiful things.
Bulimia, anxiety & depression love to shift my attention onto negative things in life. I have decided to turn the tables, turn the spotlight on them to reclaim my life & be free of the limitations I have encaged myself in.
I have spent years of my life creating a pattern full of rigid rules & limiting myself in countless ways: what I wore, what I ate, where I ate, when I ate: the list goes on & on. Whenever I strayed from these rules, I would treat myself the way a strict parent would & react with harsh discipline.
BATTLEGROUND
Food & nutrition has always played a major role in my life. I allow it to dictate my emotions, self-esteem, value & how I spend my time.
I have been consistently trying to "be healthy" or lose weight since, well, forever.
The kitchen is my battleground & my mind is my enemy.
Deciding what to eat, where, why & how has been a major stressor for me ever since I can remember. Fighting between "good" & "bad" foods, trying to reprogram my brain from putting these two labels on everything is a constant battle. I have had to & am currently in the process of unlearning coping mechanisms I had adapted & learn new, healthier ways of processing everything from my emotions to situations in my life.
DEPRESSION
REDEMPTION
I have given depression the power to suck the life out of my days.
An emotionless laugh, an empty smile,
My bulimia invited a dear friend- depression,
and she decided to stay for a while.
Leaving me to question,
“Where did this come from?”
“Was it always here?”
Days, weeks, months: numb.
A little voice whispers in my ear,
“oh my dear, didn’t you know?
You invited me in,
you even said, ‘hello’”
Chip, chip, chip
away at my self esteem.
The tighter its grip,
how do I redeem?
CONFRONTATION
As scary as it can be, in order to truly recover from bulimia, I must confront it.
Confront the comforts I find in it, the repetition & the illusion of beauty that it shows me.
I am finally ready to actually confront it. After years of building up the courage, I am tired of the way bulimia consumes my life. This fight hasn’t been easy, & I know it won’t get any easier. There are good days & there are terrible days, but through them all I have learned one thing:
I am worth it.
